gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
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How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
This raises questions
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old