@ozzyunc

Oil is made from dinosaurs. Plastic is made from oil. Plastic dinosaurs are made from real dinosaurs.

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@FriedWords

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.

Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.

@ThaJawn

Coworker *parks Prius

Coworker 2 *locks bike up

Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!

@KattsDogma

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

@Muath_tu

I hate when I’m running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.

@NoTrophy4You

When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom “Are these my brains?”.”Not yet,” she replied

@stevevsninjas

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

@jellybnbonanza

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

@Henry_3000

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

@BuckyIsotope

*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*
dammit