*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
<—- homeless romantic
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.