Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

Green is just blue that someone peed in

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.