Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

Friends that check up on you >

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.