Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.