Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
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No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
That de-escalated quickly
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head