Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

what’s the point then??

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”