Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.