OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
no exceptions
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet