Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
They got a point!
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.