@Marcmywords2

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

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@tsunami__7

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

@patrickoriley

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

@juneohara65

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

@karlainvt

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@addmoreninjas

That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?

@mattytalks

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

@JDotComma

I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.

@djdarrellripley

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

@thatcarlygirl

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

@mjkspeaks

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“