Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
You Might Also Like
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“