Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
You Might Also Like
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.