Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Pickled cat.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

Sticker placement is key.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Seems legit