Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

But I really needed water water water

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

I hope google does well on my son’s test

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

*pronounces fake like saké*

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?