ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
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Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”