ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
(yawn)
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter