Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Travel bloggers during quarantine

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

me when somebody idk start touching me

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up