Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.