Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
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mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time