It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.