Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.