Ok but actually
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Interior design 👌
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait