Ok but actually
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?