Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
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“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I triple waxed for this?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich