Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
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I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]