Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
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When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
True
There is no “ea” in Tim.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!