Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
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It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Golf would be better with landmines.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
🤣
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?