Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.