ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
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Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open