Ok, but like, how married are you?
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[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.