Ok, but like, how married are you?
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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
mechanics be like
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.