Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
this has to be peak English
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”