Ok, but like, how married are you?
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I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I fixed it. For me
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit