Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are