ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
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Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”