ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
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Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast