ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
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My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary