ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist