ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
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How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.