ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
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Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
new dr. seuss book dropping:
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.