ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Well, that should do it