Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
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Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
What the hell happened in there??
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!