Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
broke down and did it
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
My safe word is Worcestershire
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.