Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
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My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
