Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
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My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Would you wear it?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be