Ok cat haters, explain this…
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It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I gave up going to work for lent.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.