Ok cat haters, explain this…
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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout