Ok cat haters, explain this…
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
wtf is an acronym
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it