Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

The old gods are rising again.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house