ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.