ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.