Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done