Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next