Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

Air conditioning – not a fan

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

selena gomez

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?