Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Bring back the McRib
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates