Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.