(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
You Might Also Like
As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window
… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.