Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

Meow

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)