*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
You Might Also Like
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Why I divorced her.
Me, in DM rooms…
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended