Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.