Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

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