Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

Usage Guidelines

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

I need to update my racial profile.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?