Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Good morning!
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black