Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again