Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

No one :

Me when I swimming :

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared