Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

When I grow up, I want to be 16

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?