Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

new record!

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue