Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

I fixed it. For me

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

Beware of fowl play.

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you