OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
You Might Also Like
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher