“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I found your tweet-up…
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.