“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!