Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Stop being so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.