@Fred_Delicious

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

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@ConanOBrien

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

@Iwriteforcats

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@david8hughes

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

@SuperJuanderer

if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”

@Aikiwomannc

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

@wickedsuga

Stop being so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@HomeProbably

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.