“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
This hospital has everything
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.